#55 (soldier)

tell her
tell her, as I grip your hand with the last of my strength
that I am okay.
tell her I love her
and tell her
I'm coming home.



*Evyn

#54 (dreams)

screams
   


                   screams


why

who is screaming

stop
make it stop

I wake sweat running down my back his arms about me I scream again and sounds escape my chest only wounded animals make maybe I am a wounded animal maybe I am the wound maybe I am the monsters in my nightmare I am




                                                             drifting





*Evyn

#53 (gentle)

(masterpiece)

hold her with a gentle hand

not because she is fragile

but because she is a masterpiece.

do not leave your fingerprints on her.

break her,

                 and bleed.

(wolf)

she will not be afraid to devour you

to swallow you in one mouthful if you prove to be shallow

she would rather drown in your depths

than stay dry in your shallows.

(warrior)

she is not afraid to fight for what she loves

and she loves herself

crafted herself under her own fingertips

when she swings

don't think she'll miss just because your lips met hers

if you oppose her

she will end you.

*Evyn

#52 (fear)

yes I am afraid

but fear is not dangerous

emotions cannot hurt you

contain the vortex
                             do not be swept up in the storm

                                                                     
                                                                          of your mind
but hold
and release
and learn
     
                  that fear is not afraid of you

nor should you be afraid of fear.


step onto the stage

bend the knee

raise a flag



                                                          and win.


*Evyn

#51 (happy)

I was sad
for so long
I felt that I was no longer allowed to be happy
but when I realized
sadness was not a due I had to pay
or a sentence I must fill
and happiness was not an elusive dream
when I accepted I could be happy
I realized
I was

*Evyn

#50 (love myself)

if I could learn to love myself
the way that I love you
I'd finally cherish my body
the way that it deserves.
I'd make sure that it was fed
and well kept and clean
and I wouldn't dare to hurt it
because it's special.
and if I could learn to love myself
the way that I love you
I'd learn to let the little things go
or enjoy them and celebrate
because flaws are important
and they matter.
I'd tuck myself in bed at night
and say I did my best
and that was enough for me
because maybe
finally
it is.

*Evyn

#49 (bleed)

Sometimes the only thing you learn from pain
is that you are still alive enough
to bleed.

*Evyn

#48 (amputation)

I wasn't wrong
they had to cut you off for me to let you go
bleeding out
would be easier than this
my room is made for me with you
the entire house has remnants of us
a whole
a singular entity
one mind
one heart
now a half
missing you
missing me.

*Evyn

#47 (roses)

roses do not lie about their thorns
but bloom as vibrant red
as the blood they draw
when you try to stop them.

*Evyn

#46 (vaults)

people
are not vaults
they are not as complicated as we think
they do not have passcodes or combination locks
they are not three feet thick
with armed guards outside
they are not as scary as we pretend
just ask to be let in
and I guarantee
you will

*Evyn

#45 (earthquake)

my legs believe there is an earthquake
they shake under the desk as I try to take notes
and make my handwriting travel back to fourth grade

my hands believe I am on stage
sitting across the table from my date
and make eating with chopsticks an Olympic sport

my mind believes I am crazy
and tells me to walk in front of a car
and that I am alone.

~breathe~

bodies fail.
they misinterpret signals.
the brain is just another organ
and sometimes
it lies.

*Evyn

#44

you messaged me the day before
but didn't say goodbye
so maybe
it was an accident
or a moment's decision
maybe you didn't mean to leave me here
alone
an empty side
and a bed as cold as your coffin
I watched the funeral from the hillside
couldn't bear to get closer.

you prefer(red) cars over flowers
so I brought a little bag of them
and dumped them on the fresh dirt
then knelt and arranged them carefully
by color
like you do...would have...
I'm sorry.

the cards pile up
and the flowers
I've taken them to the hospital where you...
the nurses like them.
I can't look at them without crying
or punching a wall.

your soccer trophy sits on my bookshelf
it's a participation award
you wanted to toss but
I kept
it was the only thing you'd won
because life is not measured in awards
but smiles
and now I'm not sure
I'll ever grow
again.

*Evyn

#43

do not ask what color my eyes are

when you read about me on a page

for they were not my choice

and eyes can lie

ask about the makeup

or lack thereof

that covers or exposes my dark circles

and wonder how I got them

why I cannot sleep

ask about the way I turn my head

when I hear shouting

and close my eyes tightly

when sirens blare 

if you truly want to know me

ask about the way my eyes refuse to fill

when I am sad

and wonder why 

I am empty.

*Evyn

#42 (rubber band)

I wear a rubber band on my wrist
if you know why
if you understand
I'm sorry.

We're only humans.
We break so easily
and pick ourselves up so quickly
ready to succeed
unprepared to fail
to fall
to shatter...

rock bottom became our foundation
and we built cities again and again
watched them fall
and rebuilt with ancient bricks.

our ancestors in ruins
and in beauty

*Evyn

#41

Don't tell me to be quiet
When the world is burning outside my door
Don't tell me to sit down
When there are people sleeping on the floor
Don't tell me to give up the fight
When girls are pushed aside
Don't tell me it is hopeless
When I know
It is not.

*Evyn

#40 (bean water)

Coffee is just bean water
Tea is just leaf water
Food is just mixed foods
Nothing is original or new
Everything is made from other things
We are all atoms
Molecules like one another
Star dust
and stolen ideas
thieves of each other's
hearts

*Evyn

#39 (hypnotized)

hypnotized by his colors
the stains from others before you
decorate his eyes
and entangle you so easily
do not be a fly
in the web of a spider
he will devour you and you
will help.


*Evyn

#38 (hell)

You say Go to hell
I reply I have been
The devil didn't like what I said.
You say What could you
have possibly said
that was worse than the devil has read?
I reply I told him he
could stay on if he liked.
To my right hand, he'd always cling.
For though he was the prince of hell
oh darling, I was the king.

*Evyn

#37 (camouflage)

tiny hands clutched
the camouflage sleeve
a uniform headed to war
gone for twenty months
then fin'lly returned
home to depart nevermore
men file through the
airport quite calm
until one tiny girl
calls out, MOM!

*Evyn

#36 (ecstasy)

most people describe it as floating freely
but for someone who cannot stop the trembling of their mind or hands
it was a heavy blanket of safety.
it was not being pulled into the light
but being sat with in the darkness
of the griefs of the past.
it was not simply being adored
but being fought for
day after day
relentlessly chosen.


*Evyn

#35 (rain)

It's pouring down rain outside.
I type poems on a laptop with crumbs in the keys
Hoping to find sense of the world in my own words
which is stupid because it doesn't work but
I try anyway.
I want to go stand outside in the rain
in a white nightgown
          arms spread wide or
                                           staring at the ground

       I can't decide.

The sky is sad and so am I
and I can't cry so maybe
I'll let it cry for me
tears on my face from heavenly eyes
do angels cry?
do demons?

did the devil shed a tear when he fell from heaven's seat?
would I?

It's still raining outside. Still raining inside. I set out a bucket to catch the drips.

*Evyn

#34 (Fear)

He slinks down my back like a cube of ice
And ruffles my hair like the northern wind.
He holds my hand and laces his fingers through mine
Instead of getting steadier, my hands shake.
I pull my coat tighter around me and cross my arms
But he still holds me.
His embrace oscillates tenderly
But he's always there.

*Evyn

#33 (coffin)

coffins are heavy

but the smaller they are

the more they cut into shoulders.

coffins are lowered

but the farther they go

the closer they are to our hearts.

coffins are covered

but the less you can see

the more the image is burned in your mind.

coffins are final

but the more they seem dead

the more you are very much alive.

*Evyn

#32 (sanity)

I'm slowly descending into sanity
tired all the time
I can tell because I
turn away when someone looks my way
and slip on headphones to avoid conversations
with strangers and friends alike
music is my companion
journaling my past time
homework goes unfinished
and the stars are my sun
blades are pencils and I
can't look away or stop
food is every other day
smiles are plastic
you can't save me so don't
try to pull me out of this
the only thing to do is wait for
the stars to disappear and the
sun to rise again.

*Evyn

#31 (dandelion)

Growing through the cracks in the pavement
struggling against odds to rise
but as reaching victory like a bird the sky
blossoming into purpose as created
dreams float away uncatchable.

*Evyn

#30 (eyes)

They ask me to remember the color of your eyes
I can't.
But I remember the way you looked at me the last time
As raindrops fell from my eyes though yours were the ones like sky....
I remember they were blue.

They ask me to remember the way you smiled
I can't.
But I remember the words you said on our last day
You told me I lit your life like a crescent moon...
I remember how you smiled.

They ask me to remember your body
I can't.
But I remember the way you held me in your arms
When we were dancing in the starlight of a cloudy sky...
I remember you were always there.

They ask me to remember your goodbye
I can't.
But I remember the way your fingers fell away from mine
As you turned and walked away for the last time...
I remember your goodbye.

*Evyn

#29 (the fish)

I try to talk it out

But you don't want to listen.
I wait

For a sign that you care.

Nothing

for days on end.

I write a letter but you do not read it.

My solution is pedals on a bicycle

you are the handlebars and refuse to steer...

my chance at hope is futile.

the fish
has learned to fly.

*Evyn

#28 (just one more)

when I was little
I'd ask my mom for one more bedtime story
just one more hug
one more cookie
one more song on the piano
and she'd smile
and sometimes comply.
I think it was my love of "just one more"
that kept me here
when everything seemed pointless
and I wanted to quit but
just one more song
one more conversation
one more poem to write
friend to hug
dog to pet.
anything that keeps you here
is important.
anything that is worth staying for
is the best thing
in life.

*Evyn

#27 (sleep)

It's a big pill to swallow
But with enough tears
You'll have enough water
To drain all your fears.
It's gray and it's dark
And most are afraid
To be tucked in bed
And laid in their grave.
But don't worry darling,
The ghosts will be near
And if you call out
They will always appear.
They'll listen closely
Your secrets they'll keep
And when you are tired
They'll sing you to sleep.

*Evyn

#26 (Equal)

Don't assign me
A place under your foot
Or over your head
But by your side
To lead
To guide
To protect and serve
To live freely
Equal
And whole.

*Evyn

#25

Maybe there is a default emotion
Different for each
When at the end of your rope
Or unable to decide
You go straight to comfort
Some happy
Some angry
Some sad
like me.
Trapped in an ocean
Lost at sea
Happy to drift
Until can't see land
Where was I going with this?

*Evyn

#24 (fall)

Of all the things my hands have held
The best by far was you
And now you are too far away
And I don't know what to do.
One of us is drifting
I'm terrified it's me
But I don't know how to stop it
or how to make you see.
Sometimes you were the only thing
that kept me hanging on
and now I'm told to let you go
and try to fall alone.

*Evyn

#23 (seashell bra)

The seashell bra
Makes me feel pretty
Light pink black lace
Holding everything
In place
(Forgive the analogy)
Like faith
Keeps me up
Feeling worthy
Offering stability
In a fallen world

*Evyn

#22 (Latch)

Latch onto me
Hold my heart fiercely
Cling to me with passion
I would rather be broken a hundred times by you
Than tossed aside once
by another.

*Evyn

#21 (purple pen)

I have a pen
It writes in purple ink
I use it in my journal
prescribed by a shrink.
I don't know why I like it
It's my favorite color but
That's really not a lot to love
I guess maybe
It's different
Beautiful
And almost empty.

...like me?

*Evyn

#20 (Hold)

Hold onto me

Fingers intertwined

Arms about my shoulders

My hands on your back

Who is falling

Who is still

Who is going

Who is gone

*Evyn

#19

You tried to die last night

Blood is running red

I haven't eaten in three days

and my butterflies are dead.

I wish that I could come

Cross a sea for you

But that's really not an option

And there's nothing I can do.

*Evyn

#18 (Reject)

1. Reject the idea you are not worth loving
    That you must deserve affection
    That kindness is currency you do not earn

2. Reject
    That's me
    Sitting on the outside
    Of fear, pain, and grief
    Numb to joy
    But smiles are relief
 
3. Reject
    Rejection
    And make
    An impression



*Evyn

#17 (Frighten)

I am afraid I am not myself

I am more afraid that I am myself
And I do not like
Who I am



*Evyn

#16 (Shine)

The sun

Is not afraid of clouds

Nor I

Of my own mind

For she keeps shining despite the darkness in front of her

And so will I

The clouds do not blot her out

Though block her from view of tiny people below

Likewise I will keep my light though dimmed 

And never will let go

*Evyn

#15 (Flinch)

Please don't be offended when I flinch
The first time your fingers touch my skin
Or pull away the thousandth time
You try to hold my hand
I do not have to have been hurt
To be afraid
Or burned
To fear the flame
For you are toxic
And love is catching.

*Evyn