#44

you messaged me the day before
but didn't say goodbye
so maybe
it was an accident
or a moment's decision
maybe you didn't mean to leave me here
alone
an empty side
and a bed as cold as your coffin
I watched the funeral from the hillside
couldn't bear to get closer.

you prefer(red) cars over flowers
so I brought a little bag of them
and dumped them on the fresh dirt
then knelt and arranged them carefully
by color
like you do...would have...
I'm sorry.

the cards pile up
and the flowers
I've taken them to the hospital where you...
the nurses like them.
I can't look at them without crying
or punching a wall.

your soccer trophy sits on my bookshelf
it's a participation award
you wanted to toss but
I kept
it was the only thing you'd won
because life is not measured in awards
but smiles
and now I'm not sure
I'll ever grow
again.

*Evyn