#62

I glance in the mirror

and I know I look sad

I get asked why I look sad

and I answer

"because I am sad"

and sadness isn't talked about much

it's something we feel like there must be a reason for

but yes, I am sad

very sad

and that's okay

sadness isn't the worst thing

that has happened to me.

#61 (mashed potatoes)

everything is bland
tasteless
going out is like staying in
with more stress
and no pajamas.
people ask how I am
I know my smile is not convincing
I wish I could tell them
that I'm sick
and they would nod understandingly
but when your brain is sick
it becomes everyone's business.
they ask about your nightmares
and obsessions
compulsions
suicidal thoughts
and when you tell them
they leave.

*Evyn

#60 (corridor)

there is a corridor
long
empty
echoful
I watch
and wait
and wait
all faces are familiar
due to the temporal lobe
currently working, though likely to fail,
which tells me what is a face
and what isn't
but none of the faces are
the one I'm looking for
has not yet appeared
so I wait
and wait
and wait.

*Evyn

Wolves: Chapter 11

The Washington D.C. subway isn’t exactly the safest place to take a group of young girls, but it was safer than the alternative we had left. The portal put us in the middle of a station so crowded, no one even realized we appeared. There was no time for the girls to take in the vastly different world we were now in. They clutched at each other for stability as I led them through the maze of the underground. When we finally made it up a final flight of stairs to the sunlight, Kailah caught up with me, breathless and full of questions.

“What is this place called?” she panted, a smile already forming on her face.

“Washington,” I answered. I was happy for her enthusiasm – it would be vital for her adaption – but needed to get them to the house as fast as possible. Street signs were a tool I had to recall how to use. We started down a street thankfully only a few blocks from our final destination.

“Where are we going?” Kailah continued to pepper.

“My house.”

“Your house?”

“My parents’,” I amended. “My father is a doctor and my mother is a lawyer, so they have a pretty nice place here in the city. They help all my girls get settled in when I go back. You will love them. They are very kind.”

“You mean you’re from this world originally?” Kailah’s mouth dropped open.

“Yes.” I directed the group to the left.

“How did you end up...there?”

I could see my parents’ luxury apartment building in the distance and subconsciously quickened my pace, ready for my racing heart to finally slow. “I didn’t have a formal magic teacher until I met Faula so when I lived here, I just messed with it. I ended up discovering a portal and accidentally traveling to the other world. The masks quickly found me and…well. I was at a Dark House until Faula found me. She helped me come back and I set it all up with my parents. Then the portals collapsed and I had to rebuild. But this…” I motioned to the group of girls. “I know I found that first portal for a reason. This is my purpose.”

Kailah nodded understandingly. “I wish I had magic so I could-”

A scream erupted from behind me and I whipped around, immediately paralyzed by what I saw. The portal ash had trailed with us, allowing the combined magic of the masks enough power to create a big enough portal to reach through and grab Annette’s wrist. They were dragging her backwards into the other world. As soon as I could process the scene, I leaped forward, grabbing Annette around the waist and pulling as hard as I could. The masks’ magic was too strong for one person alone to withstand, and we lost precious inches in a matter of seconds.

I knew what I had to do before I could even formulate the words. Annette met my eyes and she knew. I don’t know how, but she knew exactly what I was going to do because she immediately began pleading.

“Don’t do it, Maylie, I’m not that important, just go.” Their grip was beginning to tear the skin on her arms.

“Don’t be a fool,” I hissed, tears forming in my eyes. “Take them home, Annette. Take them home.”

I gave a brutal push of magic to separate Annette from their grasp and dove headfirst into the portal. I landed on the other side, where wolves were already striking, tearing into the masks. But their strength would only be a distraction, a mere diversion before the masks regrouped and poured into Washington. I didn’t have a choice.

Through the portal I could see Annette, Kailah, Cara, and the others I loved so dearly even after such a short time. They would be safe with my parents, I knew, but it still pierced my soul. Tears streaming down my face, I withdrew every ounce of energy I had poured into the portal, extending even to the original magic I had set in place a decade before. Ten years of dedicated, exhausting work to create a portal was sucked into the Void, forever sealing my girls away from the horrors the masks had planned.

As the sun set on the Nolus forest, I slipped into my wolf form and plunged into the fray alongside my brethren.

Wolves: Chapter 10

The eyes appeared before I was even halfway finished with the portal. The wolves were the only ones not affected by the Nolus’ poison and their eyes glowed eerily in the mist and shadow that permeated every rock and leaf of the trees. The girls were immediately on their feet, shielding the youngers and mothers. Annette drew her knife with venom in her normally gentle eyes.

“They will not hurt us,” I said softly, the sound carrying in the wind the portal created. “They are here to protect us.”

“Protect us?” Annette spat. “Like they did a week ago when they nearly tore our bodies limb from limb?”

“Lower your voice,” I commanded quietly, fear rippling through my voice. It was too late. Murmurs swept through our small tribe and for an instant I could see the voices drifting high before they disappeared. The masks would find us if I didn’t get the portal open in time. I could already see torches on the horizon.

Girls started crying. I felt like crying myself but managed to swallow the lump in my throat, blink back terrified tears, and continue pouring every ounce of energy I had into the magic rushing from my body. Cara clung to her baby and wept, certain we were doomed.

The wolves emerged slowly, giving me sideways glances as they formed a slow circle around my girls. They huddled together, pleading with their eyes that I hurry.

I worked as fast as I could, trying not to think about the approaching danger. My energy was waning but I gauged that I had enough left to finish the portal. I had to get them to the other side and close the portal before the masks could follow us through, but there was no time for allotting energy. I had to give it my all.

Letting loose a painfully guttural scream, I completed the circle and the portal opened with a deafening blast of air. The wolves howled as the girls poured through the energy opening and their howls carried far enough to extinguish the masks’ torch flames. I made sure every last girl was through before turning to exchange a thankful nod with the wolves and followed my sisters into the portal.

Wolves: Chapter 9

As soon as I set the child I was carrying on the soft grass, Kailah appeared by my side, her eyes wide with questions. I nodded and cast a small spell so our words could not be overheard.

            “Is something wrong?” I asked, trying to focus on more than the task ahead of me.

            “Isn’t this the edge of the Nolus?”

            “Yes.”

            “Why did you bring us here? Anyone who enters dies.”

            “Not with me,” I answered, and put a finger to my lips, dropping the sound shield. I had already used enough energy – I would need all I had left for the portal.

The girls had collapsed on the grass and I allowed them a few moments to catch their breath, passing the few apples and water skins we had left. I smiled as I saw the older girls ensuring the youngest were fed first. The mothers latched their babies and several children curled up in laps or on the grass and were asleep instantly.

I motioned to Annette vaguely but she understood and kept careful watch over the girls as I walked the last hundred feet to the very edge of the forest. The gate was hidden to the other girls, but I could make out the faint green outline of magic, pulsing in a steady circle. Inside the circle were glimpses of other worlds. As always, my desire to travel to a new world, to try something new, to go somewhere I could stay and be safe, romanced my thoughts for a moment. I dusted the temptation away quickly like old chicken seed and steadied my palm in front of the portal.

Like a magnet, the energy flowed through my body, surging toward the gate so strongly I was nearly pulled off my feet. I moved my hand around the edge of the circle slowly, the magic gradually pushing away the shield and opening the portal. The wind around us began to move. The sky darkened. My hands shook, as they always did, terrified the masks would come and I would have no strength left to defend my precious sisters.

But it was not the masks who came.

It was the wolves.

Wolves: Chapter 8

         The walk to the gate was deadly quiet. Babies were suckled and swaddled before the journey so as to be as silent as possible. Older girls held the younger girls’ hands and I had hoarded food for a week so everyone would have enough to eat for breakfast. Even our stomachs couldn’t growl and give us away. Our shoes were padded with thick fabric on the undersides. We walked on the grass instead of the stone road. It was a routine I had grown accustomed to, but my nerves were still on edge as we traveled. We had more babies this journey than I’d ever had before and I wouldn’t rest while cries were a possibility.

            Annette walked by my side, her fingers brushing mine occasionally, one arm wrapped around the baby strapped to her in a sling but the other free to subconsciously reach for my hand. After the fifth time of brushing and her pulling away, mouthing indiscernible apologies, I wrapped my hand around hers. She met my glance and smiled softly. The tension and fear was palpable in our huddled group.

            When we reached the gate, three hours later, babies were getting restless and the youngest girls were teary from exhaustion. One of the youngest nearly fell but tried not to let anyone see. I scooped her up and carried her weak body the last two miles.

            Kailah, who had been bringing up the rear, ushered the tired ones along even as she was clearly as exhausted as they. I had explained before we left that we would not have even a moment for rest. Time was of the utmost importance when we traveled because I couldn’t hide them all and being discovered would result in execution, even down to the babes in slings. All the girls expressed their understanding and I was indescribably relieved that everyone remained silent during our walk.

            It was an exhausting journey.

            The hardest part was yet to come.

Wolves: Chapter 7

           I rose before the sun, as I always did, and took Cara’s cooing baby from his small crib, changing his diaper as quiet rays of light started coming through the locked shutters. I carried the child with me as I opened the shutters, checking to ground below to see if we had nighttime visitors still prowling. No sign of wolves, so I started pumping water and pulled wood in for a fire. The girls would want warm water to bathe before we started our jump.

            They began rising slowly, silent but smiling. I had been preparing them for weeks so even though it was sooner than I had intended, we were ready. Everyone knew today was a big day.

            We took turns helping the younger girls bathe, then I dressed them while the older girls got ready. Annette made sure everyone had breakfast of bread and apple slices and didn’t misplace their dresses in their small bags. No one owned much, but it was precious to them. I knew it would help them in their transition to the new world.

            “Is something wrong?” Kailah brushed a girl’s hair while I laced her boots. The little girl skipped off to beg some more apple slices from Annette.

            “Just worried,” I admitted. “I know I can jump everyone, but I usually have more time to prepare.” I glanced around the room. “I’m worried this will be my last jump before the masks catch me. I don’t have an apprentice like Faula did, so there is no one to take my place. I just…” I trailed off, rubbing my forehead and trying not to think about the girls who would be trapped in Dark Houses without me. I didn’t save them all, that was for sure. There were hundreds of Dark Houses but I frequented three and had visited seven total.

            Kailah took my hand and squeezed gently. “I’m sure this will go well. You know what you’re doing.”

            I smiled appreciatively. “Thank you, Kailah.”

            She followed me to the pump, were I filled a bowl to fill the tub again. “How many girls have you jumped?”

            “In total or at a time?”

            Kailah considered. “Both?”

            The fire was getting low, so I added a few logs, considering. “About fifteen at a time. Faula could do thirty. But I’ve never had that many girls at a time anyway, so I’ve never tried. Overall…probably six hundred?”

            She did some quick mental math. “That’s forty jumps. How long have you been doing this?”

            “Well…” I stepped onto the front porch and Kailah followed. I blew out the lamp that kept ghosts away at night and stared at the horizon. “I did it for about two with Faula. Then it took me ten years to build the portal…maybe ten years? After I finished the portal.”

            Kailah laughed. Her laughter was infectious and I started to smile, but I was confused. “What’s funny?”         

            “You can’t be older than twenty-five. You’re telling me you’ve been doing this for twenty-two years? Since you were ten?”

            I smiled wryly and shook my head. “I don’t age here. I’m a lot older than I look.”

            “How is it possible for you to not age here but to…I mean, you age in other worlds?”

            “Only in my homeplace.”

            “Where is that?”

            Annette appeared at the doorway. “We’re ready.”